


Sweet Memories

by blinking_post



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: 8-person HSJ, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Insecure Yamada, M/M, Model Yuto, Romance, chinen the plot driver
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-18
Updated: 2016-07-18
Packaged: 2018-07-24 17:16:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7516516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blinking_post/pseuds/blinking_post
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Yamada Ryosuke is twenty-one years old when he comes face to face with Nakajima Yuto again.  Well, “face to face”.  More like he’s stopped dead in his tracks in the middle of a busy Tokyo crosswalk staring up at a ten story tall advertisement with Yuto’s face plastered dead center, coyly looking up at the camera through his long lashes.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sweet Memories

**Author's Note:**

> A _huge_ thank you to [alchemicink](http://archiveofourown.org/users/alchemicink/pseuds/alchemicink) for all the encouragement and hand holding and for giving it a once over ^_^.

\----

 

Yamada Ryosuke is twenty-one years old when he comes face to face with Nakajima Yuto again.  Well, “face to face”.  More like he’s stopped dead in his tracks in the middle of a busy Tokyo crosswalk staring up at a ten story tall advertisement with Yuto’s face plastered dead center, coyly looking up at the camera through his long lashes.

 

Someone bumps him from behind, jarring him out of his thoughts and yeah, it’s probably not the best idea to stand in the middle of the road like an idiot. The light starts flashing red, prompting him to finish crossing to the other side quickly.  When he hits the corner he’s back to starting at the ad - at Yuto, really - half still in disbelief.

 

Six years.

 

Six years since Nakajima Yuto walked away from JUMP without so much as a farewell.

 

Six whole years since he’d seen Yuto, much less heard a single word from or about him.

 

Six whole god damn years and what?  He’s still as much of a mess as he was then.  Only difference now is Yuto’s face in some Burberry ad in the busiest part of town.  So what if that means Yuto will be in every department store and train station he visits?  So what if it means every time he turns a corner a picture of Yuto will be right there waiting for him?

 

He’s not bothered.  Not in the least.

 

Still, only Yuto, he thinks bitterly as he turns and walks away.  Of all the people who left or quit or were fired, trust Yuto to be one of the few who makes it without the backing of Johnny’s Entertainment.

 

\---

 

The hostess leads him directly into a private room in the back of the restaurant where both Keito and Chinen are already seated, food and drinks in front of them.  It looks like they’ve started without him as both appear relaxed and bleary eyed.

 

“Didn’t think you’d ever get here!” Chinen exclaims, face flushed a bright red.

 

“Yeah.  Sorry,” Yamada says, giving them his best smile.  “Work took longer than I thought it would.”

 

“Ah… Ryosuke, you’re in even more demand now, aren’t you?”  Keito asks, deceptively calm and collected.  How he manages to always stay that way regardless of how much he drinks is beyond him, but he forces on a smile he doesn’t feel, one he knows doesn’t reach his eyes, but the other two are drunk enough not to notice.

 

Keito’s words touches a nerve, pushing down on a bruise that has steadily purpled over the years.  He knows how true Keito’s words are, can’t escape them even if he tries.  Guilt bubbles deep in the pit of his stomach and he fears it might spill over some day but he doesn’t know what else to do.  He loves them all so much, loves this group with a deep ache in his chest but everything falls on his shoulders.  He wants them to succeed so he doesn’t say no to anything but what that means is that everything is all on him.  The more work he does, the more he puts JUMP’s name out there the more he worries that they all might grow to resent him someday.  He’s scared that that resentment might turn into anger and then hatred, bitter and cold.  Like Yuto.  Thinking about Yuto always sends a shot of pain and regret through his chest.  Once in awhile it seeps out of the cracks but he locks it back away as quickly as possible, drowns in work and loses himself.

 

Shots are lined up in front of him, courtesy of Chinen, but other than burning his throat when it goes down, the alcohol doesn’t seem to be doing anything, much less help him forget what he’d seen not even an hour before.  It stays there, in the back of his mind, a scab he keeps picking at.

 

“Ryosuke,” Chinen slurs out.  “Why are you being so depressing?”  His body sways from side to side.  “What’s going on?”

 

Yamada doesn’t answer right away.  He takes a few moments to gather his thoughts, trying to figure out the best way to start this conversation.  Finally, he asks, “Did you guys see that huge ad on the way here?”

 

There’s a pause.  Neither Chinen or Keito will look at him, so they must know.  It’s okay, really.  Really it is.  He doesn’t know why they’re acting so guilty about it.  There’s nothing to feel guilty about.  He was bound to see it sooner or later.

 

“Yeah,” Keito begins, hesitant.  “The one with Yuto, right?”

 

He nods slowly but quickly turns sharp eyes to Chinen when he barks out a laugh, bowling over and clutching his stomach at the same time.

 

Suddenly irritated, he retorts with, “What’s so funny?”

 

Chinen shakes his head, says through his laughter, “I’m not explaining it to you.”

 

He turns to Keito who shakes his head as well.  Much more kindly though, he tells Yamada, “I think it’s something you have to figure out for yourself.”

 

There’s no way to salvage the night for him, especially when it’s just the three of them and Yamada has sunken down into a funk, moody and sad and trying to pretend he isn’t bothered, so they call for backup in the form of Takaki and Daiki who livens up the atmosphere as soon as they arrive.  He leaves therein soon after, unable to think about anything but that god-forsaken ad and what it might mean.  He wants to say it means nothing but he knows he’d be lying to himself.

 

On his way out he overhears Takaki ask Chinen, “Is Yamada okay?” to which the reply was a burst of giggles and a, “Well, Yuto.  So, you know.”

 

Yamada closes the door on Takaki’s stupid, childish laugh.

 

\----

 

Yamada was ten years old when he met Yuto.  Yuto had already enetered the company by then and even though Yuto had only been there a few months before him Yuto was already put in front and center.  It was understandable.  He was cute and adorable, carefree, the little brother that naturally drew all attention to him with his seemingly innocent antics.  He had looked on from the side and wondered if he would ever get there too, if there was any chance he would stand front and center.

 

Some days watching Yuto it felt impossible.  Yuto seemed on another level but still he wanted it so much it set his heart heavy with guilt and disappointment.  He had thought, “One day, I will surpass you,” even while he felt it was unachievable.  He had chanted it to himself until it became his mantra, and then Yuto, cute, bouncy, naively innocent Yuto had grinned at him and said, “Yama-chan, we live in the same direction, right?  Let’s go home together.”

 

For a long while that made everything good.  It would have been much easier if he could hate Yuto.  If he had.  The thing was it was impossible because Yuto was so friendly to everyone, and he had dragged Yamada everywhere and told everyone that Yamada was his best friend.  It went on day after day, month after month until it felt true.  Until he felt like he could tell Yuto anything.   _ Everything. _

 

Some days he wanted to quit.  Didn’t think he’d ever make it anywhere much less debut some ten-something years down the line.  One day, while they were out shopping, he told Yuto that.  He didn’t know what he expected.  Words of reassurance maybe?  A bit of understanding?  But Yuto didn’t get it, he didn’t understand what Yamada was really saying at all.  The hardships, the doubt, the insecurities, the unknowable future.  How could he?  Everyone knew, out of all the kids around their age, Yuto would definitely be one of the few chosen to debut.

 

Even at only twelve he had sunk low.  Maybe he should have quit back then.  Life would have probably turned out easier if he had but he stubbornly stuck it out.  He showed up day after day to practice or work or do photoshoots, and his whole life became a one-sided competition against his best friend.  Like he had said, it would have been easier if he could hate Yuto.  Truth was he never could.  He still can’t.

 

So he lived a dual life of wanting to take Yuto down, of wanting to replace him while thinking he never could and feeling like no one could ever understand him as well as Yuto.  After all, Yuto was his best friend.  They shared almost everything together, and maybe Yuto didn’t understand him half the time, but he still made Yamada feel these flutters in his chest, still made him feel just a little bit breathless when he smiled or called him Yama-chan.  He wanted to be liked by Yuto.  Everyone else he was okay with being just cordial with or having superficial friendships but Yuto, he wanted something deep and genuine. 

 

At fourteen Yuto kissed him.  A bare brush of lips against lips behind the stage of Shounen Club. They were waiting for their cue to go on, staff buzzing all around them, no one giving them any mind.  Yamada had been distracted by a loose thread on his costume, tugging at it with his fingers before snagging it off.  He looked up to find Yuto staring at him and he didn’t know what to think.  Something was different.  The air changed around them, and he felt a thrum of excitement underneath his skin.  He started to ask Yuto what he was thinking about but then Yuto had leaned in, brushed his lips against Yamada’s and pulled back just as quick, an unnaturally shy grin on his face.  He stood there stunned, fingers on his lips until it was their turn to go on.

 

Looking back he can say things between them became sweeter after that, gentler.  A current of affection running under every shared interaction.  A smile here, a touch there.  Their eyes would meet in the middle of practice and his stomach would flutter. It was like they shared a secret just the two of them, and he felt them bubbling towards something light as air.

 

It was there, almost tangible.  Something had been built between the two of them, something sweet and precious and still fragile but so, so real.  It made his heart ache in a way that made him want to keep it close, hold it against his chest and cherish.  And then it all came crashing down, ripped away from him -- from them both -- before it could fully form because he had finally done it.  After all his hard work, he was finally on the same level as Yuto.  He should have been happy.  And he was.  A moment or two at least.  But then this thing with Yuto, this barely formed, incredibly fragile thing he had built with Yuto shattered and left in its place was only anger and bitterness, rivalry and hatred and when he was fifteen and sixteen it made his blood boil, made him want to push back and fight just as much as Yuto did, but now, at twenty-one, it just makes him sad and fills him with regret.  Maybe he had thought that since they were in the same group perhaps someday it would mend itself when they were older and more mature, that maybe they’d find a way back to a semblance of what they were before except on equal grounds.

 

And then Yuto disappeared.

 

\----

 

He should have known Yuto coming back would cause ripples in his otherwise calm life.

 

He’s waits for Suda on the edge of the set, out of the way of people bustling around him until the scene resets and all is deathly silent.  He watches as Yuto and Suda work magic for their final take of the day.  The sun had just begun to sink across the horizon when he’d walked in, signalling time for dinner, and Suda had asked him to head over to the location instead.  Filming had been running a bit behind, he’d said, and Yamada had already been on his way to meet him when he’d finally been able to let him know.  It’s a normal enough occasion or the two of them that it doesn’t seem awkward anymore.

 

They look good together, he notes as he watches.  Both tall and lanky, lean bodies, sharp features and expressively, deep eyes.  As the scene unfolds before him he starts to get it, why Yuto was chosen instead of him.  He’d auditioned too, behind the company’s back, but it’s probably best they hadn’t known.  He didn’t get the part anyhow, so no real loss there, except that he had wanted the role more than anything, wanted something real, something an idol like him would never do.  Even considering that he couldn’t deny that Yuto had been the right choice.   _ Is _ the right choice.  There’s something hidden there, just underneath the surface, something that keeps him captivated, keeps drawing his eyes to him so that time and time again, even though he’d tell himself to refocus back to Suda, his eyes would inevitably drift to Yuto again and again.

 

When it’s finally over he shouldn’t have been surprised to see Yuto bounding over to him.  He stands there, frozen, shocked into place, hands in his pocket as he shouts at himself to remain calm.  Act cool.  Yuto, on the other hand, is all excess energy and excitement.  Some things don’t change after all.  No matter how much time has passed Yuto will always be like this: filled to the brim with energy and excitement, a smile and friendship ready on his lips.  All part of the Nakajima charm.  He doesn’t disappoint.  He breaks out a grin at Yamada, eyes practically twinkling, and his heart throbs painfully in his chest.  It almost hurt to breathe even.

 

“Yama-chan,” he says, slipping right into old habits like five damn years didn’t pass between the two of them.  “Long time no see.”

 

He nods.  “Yeah.  It’s been a while.”  A beat.  “How was England?”

 

Yuto’s grin grows wider, almost splitting his face in half.  “Brilliant,” he says.  “It was Chinen, right?”  The confusion must be clear on his face because Yuto clears his throat then clarifies.  “Chinen told you I went to England, right?  Ah!  Keito!  I bet it was Keito.  He caved and told you guys right away, didn’t he?”

 

Yamada’s chest tightens as the realization hit that Chinen and Keito already knew Yuto was leaving before any of them had been told.  Logically it made sense. Keito and Yuto were still close then, had been since Keito’s dad asked Yuto to look after him, and Chinen was Chinen and that meant he always listened well, even when he really had nothing to say in return.

 

So yes, logically it made sense but the knowledge hits him like an unforeseen blow to the gut.  It leaves him standing there unable to look Yuto in the eye because he feels hurt and pathetic and sorry for himself.   
  
“Actually,” he says quietly.  “Your mom told me.”

 

\----

 

The thing about Yuto leaving that made him most upset was that the selfish bastard left.  Finding out from his own mother (and the news) rather than his bandmate came a very,  _ very  _ close second.

 

Five years ago, seventeen, he’d stumbled down the stairs at half past seven still pajama-clad and mostly asleep to plop himself at the kitchen table.  Elbows on said table, he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, ignoring the buzz of the television as his mother cooked breakfast and then was shocked awake when she let out an almost shriek.

 

“Ryosuke!  Why didn’t you tell me Yuto was leaving your group?!”

 

“What?  Mom, what are you talking about?  Yuto’s not leaving.”  It was too early to think straight, especially with his mom speaking rubbish at him.  Yuto leaving? Impossible.  Yuto would  _ never _ leave, no matter how terrible things between the two of them were.

 

“Then why are they saying it on the news?” His mom asked.

 

His head snapped up.  “What?”  He raced to the tv, watched and listened as, sure enough, one of the anchors said, “Nakajima Yuto from popular idol group Hey! Say! JUMP leaving the band and the company.”  Channel after channel, the same thing over and over and over again.

 

He went to work that day stuck in a daze.

 

The thing that got to him the most though, that kept running through his mind over and over again was that Yuto never said goodbye.  Or maybe he just didn’t bother saying goodbye to Yamada because everyone else seemed to have accepted it, moved on, like they all already knew and he was the odd one out, the only one upset and angry and felt like he was betrayed.  But maybe that hurt to, knowing that Yuto hated him enough not to even let him know.  How did they get here?  How did his best friend become someone who couldn’t even stand him anymore?

 

No one talked about it.   _No_ _one._  That didn’t feel right because this was Yuto, this was someone important to the group and important to them, and he’d left without a goodbye or a reason, and no one would talk about it.  Not even their manager, not even Johnny-san.  Not Mary or Julie or any of the staff members and it probably wasn’t his place to question his superiors, to ask why.  He was sure Yuto had his reasons, but he wanted answers, acknowledgement, _anything._

 

Finally, Chinen sighed at him, tired of his foul mood.  “Yuto wasn’t happy, right?”  Phrased as a question but the truth behind those words hit like undeniable fact.

 

A pause.   
  
“What?”

 

“Yuto’s expressions had begun to change.  You didn’t notice?”  Well, yes, he did.  But everyone went through phases.  It was just another one of Yuto’s.  Chinen forged on.  “Lately he always had this sad look on his face so I think he finally decided to do something that he thought was best for him.  As his friends, I think we should support his decision.”

 

There wasn’t much to say after that.  Chinen wasn’t wrong and if Yuto didn’t want to be there it was his decision and his decision alone.  Still his world still felt shaken, the earth shifting beneath his feet.

 

He should let it go, he knew, but he couldn’t.  He thought about it over and over again, his stomach tense and in knots.  Truth be told he alternated between confusion and hurt and anger.  Desperation too.  Yuto owed him nothing, not even an explanation except it felt like he did.  No matter what they were now, they did used to be friends.   _ Best _ friends.  Yuto used to cling to him saying, “Yama-chan this” and “Yama-chan that” with his bright look on his face while he himself looked on silently thinking darker thoughts of, “I want to overcome you some day.”  And then he did and a wall erected between them, tall and unconquerable.  Days where they were attached at the hip gone, replaced instead of cold silence and bitter rivalry.  Most days when they were together they could hardly look at each other, and now that Yuto was finally gone, he found himself repeatedly asking, “How did we become like this?”

 

Chinen’s words -- lately he always had this sad look on his face -- constantly cycled through his thoughts too, until he felt he might lose it after all.  Those words and the guilt from them too, they gripped him and would not let him go.  Yamada knew.  He had seen it.  Of course he had.  He had spent nearly half his life side by side with Yuto so how could he have  _ not _ ?  It was because of him.   _ He _ drove Yuto to this.

 

Like clockwork, once the guilt starts settling in anger and betrayal lashed back just as strong.  If Yuto had been unhappy, he should have talked to them first.  No matter how they felt about each other they were still in the same group.  They still depended on each other.  If Yuto had respected and cared about them at all he would have said something, told them something.  Instead he ran away like a coward and left Yamada all alone to take care of this group by himself, this group whose success depended so highly on his.

 

A few days after the news broke, a week at the most, he swallowed his pride and ventured over to the Nakajima household intent on asking Yuto to come back.  He would beg if he had to because over the past few days he’d come to one, single realization.  He couldn’t do this on his own.  As much as they hated each other, as much as they fought and hurt with fists and words, he needed Yuto to be there in the morning and at practice and during shows and concerts.  No matter what it took.  He didn’t care how hard it was going to be.  He was going to make it happen.

 

Yuto’s mother greeted him with clear surprise.  “Yamada!  It’s been a long time since you came over, hasn’t it?”

 

He bowed in apology and offered her a smile afterwards.  “I came to see Yuto-kun.”

 

She looked taken aback, brow furrowed together slightly in confusion.  “That child didn’t tell you?”

 

Dread slowly ate at his stomach.  “Tell me…?”

 

She tutted, shaking her head and berating him under her breath.  “He left to study in England some days ago.  He said he’ll be back to visit during breaks so I’m sure he’d be happy to see you then.”

 

Her words sunk in slowly, numbing him all over.  A smile he didn’t feel took over his face as his eyes began to tear.  He held them back.  “I see,” he said.  “I’m sure I’ll see him then.”  He bowed to her again and she invited him in for dinner but he shook his head and told her he had promised his own mother he would be home for dinner.  He left tangled in a mess of emotions, tears threatening to fall the whole way home.  That bastard, he kept repeating to himself over and over again.  The only thing he could think of, really, because his chest felt like it was caving in on itself and if he thought about anything else he would have cried.

 

\---

 

The most surprising thing of all, he realizes after Yuto has wormed his way back into Yamada’s life, is that Yuto seems genuinely happy.  He smiles like he doesn’t have a care in the world and he greets everyone as if he’s known them for years.  Even towards Yamada with their less than stellar history, Yuto treats him like a long lost friend and that hurts more than he’s willing to admit.  Aware of it or not previously, he’d spent the last five years being shaped by this Yuto sized hole in his life and Yuto had been perfectly okay.  More than okay even.

 

He watches silently, just out of the camera’s view from the side of the set.  It’s an emotionally charged scene with Yuto powering through, displaying a subtleness that is both haunting and beautiful, and it hits him right in the chest, leaving him on the verge of gasping for air.  The way Yuto encompasses anger and sadness and despair effortlessly is mesmerizing.  They’ll film more takes, he’s sure of it, but as he looks on he knows this is the one they’ll use.

 

Enough, he thinks.  It’s too much already.  What the hell had Yuto been doing in England all this time?  To come back like this, so happy and put together without a care in the world pisses him off so much he can feel himself starting to seethe.  Or fall apart.  He doesn’t know which.  All these years, buried deep inside him he’d felt so guilty and worried, wondering if he was the one who’d pushed them apart, only to now find out that Yuto was fine without him, better even.  He doesn’t need Yamada and he sure as hell doesn’t need Johnny’s Entertainment because Yuto is more than just another idol now (more than Yamada), and he feels like he’s ten years old all over again, watching the other boy from the sidelines desperately thinking, “It’s impossible after all.”

 

He had thought he’d done it, he’d caught up and they were finally equals except Yuto goes right ahead and proves how wrong he was simply by going at his own pace with his “Can’t beat Yuto” attitude.  Add that to the fact that the Yuto who had returned isn’t the Yuto who had left.  The Yuto who had left was gawky and awkward and jealous and petty and cold and sometimes tried so hard it hurt to watch.  The one who returned is tall and lean, all clean, hard lines and handsome face, confident, kind and welcoming and possesses an emotional depth and understanding that is probably why acting is like second nature to him.  He’s on another level now, a level Yamada feels he’ll never reach because maybe he really is only an idol after all.

 

The director yells, “Cut!” and Yuto sheds his character like a chameleon changing its skin, quick and fast enough that if you blinked you might have missed it.  He spots Yamada immediately, waving and smiling, never breaking eye contact as he rushes to be by Yamada’s side.  Yamada is feeling too raw, too vulnerable and open, knows he should take the chance to escape and regroup only he’s an idiot when it comes to anything Yuto so he ends up standing there waiting.

 

“Yama-chan.”  A habit Yuto slipped right back into without missing a step.  It should bother him, especially now after the rollercoaster of emotions Yuto keeps putting him through.  Instead, when Yuto calls him that, it never ceases to send a warm thrill down his spine.  “Was I good?”

 

He nods.  “You were really good,” he says, his own smile softly playing on his lips as he does his best to hide how Yuto keeps cutting open all the insecurities and doubts he had about himself, the ones he’d locked away and hadn’t visited in what seems like a lifetime ago.

 

It really should have been easy to hold onto past grudges and the hurt and anger and the feeling of utter betrayal he’d kept bottled up for years after Yuto left, but then Yuto had smiled at him after that first day, eager and beaming, and said, “I missed you, Yama-chan!  Let’s hang out, okay?” and all those feelings just disappeared like it had never existed at all, leaving in its place the thrill of being acknowledged.

 

He was ten again and Yuto was asking him to go home together.

 

Ultimately, deep down he knew, regardless of what happened or how much things have changed since they last saw each other, how much they themselves have changed, Yamada is always going to be that ten year old boy hoping to impress Nakajima Yuto, wishing that Yuto would look at him and tell him he was special too.

 

“Well, then, let’s go get a drink after this.”  Yuto keeps right on pushing forward, right through his barriers, and Yamada finds himself unable to do anything but go with Yuto’s flow.

 

\---

 

Sometimes Yuto has no self-control.

 

No, that’s not it.

 

Sometimes Yuto does what he wants when he wants and if someone has a problem with that, well, that’s something they will have to come to terms with on their own.  This night was one of those times, Yuto having dragged him to bar after bar, half determined to get smashed, the other half determined to get Yamada mind-blowingly drunk too.

 

Which is why Yamada’s in the middle of struggling to find a balance between supporting Yuto’s weight and opening his front door at the same time.

 

“Actually,” Yuto slurs into his neck as his door finally pops open.  “Actually, I used to hate you.”

 

He grimaces, hurt, but says nothing, just pushes Yuto into his apartment and watches as Yuto’s feet slips out from under him.  He sighs, locks the door behind him, and turns back around to pick Yuto up from the floor.

 

“Yama-chan,”  Yuto says as Yamada’s setting him down on the couch.  “Did you hear me?  I said I used to hate you.”

 

“Yes, yes.  I heard you.”  He’s too tired to deal with this, whatever this is, so he throws a blanket on top of Yuto, hoping that would be the end of that, and starts to walk towards his room.

 

“I really, really, really hated you,” is mumbled softly into the blanket.  Something about it stops Yamada where he’s at.

 

“Yuto-kun,” he says, not sure if Yuto could hear him but if Yuto’s going to do this now, he might as well too.  “I really, really hated you too.”  Except, he realizes after the words slip out, it doesn’t feel true.

 

Yuto cuddles into the blanket, eyes closed, vulnerable and looking pained and it tugs at his heart strings.  “I know that better than anyone, Yama-chan.  I hated you, but when I was in England, the whole time, all I could think was ‘Will he be okay?’ or ‘I wonder what he is doing now,’ or ‘I hope that he’s happy,’ or ‘I hope he doesn’t hate me after all.’”  Yuto breathes out a sad sigh.  “Everyday, it was like that.”

 

Silence.  Yamada waits, not sure what for, but the butterflies in his gut flutter in anticipation.

 

“I wonder if this is love after all…”

 

Yamada’s struck speechless, frozen, eyes wide in shock.  He doesn’t know how long he stays, long enough for Yuto’s breathing to even out at least.  He finally snaps out of it, wonders what the hell he’s even doing, and slowly trudges to his room.  He barely remembers undressing and doesn’t remember falling asleep.

 

\---

 

When he stumbles out of his room in the morning he expects Yuto to have made an escape.  Instead, the sight of Yuto sitting on the couch, legs crossed indian style, and head in his hands greet him. Yuto’s head snaps up when he hears Yamada shuffling into the living room.  Their eyes meet and Yamada slows to a stop, unsure of what he should do next.

 

An awkward pause hangs in the air until Yuto utters out a hesitant, “Hey.”

 

He echoes Yuto then silence creeps back in.

 

Yuto clears his throat, clearly uncomfortable but determined.  “So… last night.”

 

He nods once, unsure of what to say to that.

 

“Yama-chan, I want to make it clear now.  I don’t hate you, not even a little bit.  Actually, I think saying it out loud finally made it real even to me.”  Yuto pauses, bites his lip in hesitation as he contemplates his next words.  “I do have those kind of feelings for you.”

 

While Yuto was talking Yamada had been listening intently, taking in Yuto’s words one by one, trying to make sense of the whole thing.  When Yuto finishes his confession - even he realizes that’s exactly what it was - the only thought that resounds in his head is, “Impossible.”

 

Yuto’s expression turns into hurt, and it hits Yamada that he’s said it out loud.

 

“Yuto-”

 

“I don’t expect anything from you,” Yuto says, defensive.  “It’s just stupid to lie about it now that it’s been said. I want us to be friends, obviously, but it’s really up to you.”

 

He doesn’t know how he’s forgotten this part of Yuto, the part that is too stubborn and too stupidly honest sometimes.  He wears his emotions on his sleeves especially when he’s trying to hide them and yeah, maybe it’s no good, but right then it makes Yamada’s heart beat wildly.  Being with another guy has never crossed his mind before and he’s not sure he could but if he says no it feels like it’ll be the end of something before it’s even given a chance to blossom.

 

Carefully, not quite sure if he could follow through but still willing to try, he treads closer to Yuto.  “Listen,” he stutters out, nerves wracking through his body, “I’m not making any promises but...”

 

He leans down to cover Yuto’s slightly chapped lips with his own and is surprised at the rightness of it, like he’s been waiting for so long for just this.  When he finally pulls back, Yuto’s eyes are wide in shock, disbelief playing across his features as one of his hands come up to touch his lips.

 

“I wasn’t imagining it, right?  It really happened?  You kissed me?”

 

Yamada lets out a low laugh at Yuto, nerves starting back up as he sits next to him.  “I’m not promising anything,” he begins.  “I’ve never thought about it but I just thought maybe we could, I don’t know, again, not promising anything here, but maybe I could give it a try.  Only if you’re okay with it though be-”

 

Lips over his shuts him up.

 

\----

 

Being with Yuto is surprisingly easy, natural in a way that seems to fit them perfectly.  It reminds him of before sometimes, but when Yuto tosses an arm around his shoulder to pull him in closer while they’re with friends it feels infinitely better.

 

Sometimes he touches Yamada’s elbow from behind before slipping a warm palm against the small of his back as if to say, “Hey, I’ve got you.”

 

There are times, when they’re both miraculously free, that Yuto will climb on top of him, knees at either side of Yamada’s hips to lock him in place, a camera in hand as he peers through the lens with a stupid grin on his face.  He always asks for one more.  One more picture.  One more pose.  “Come on, Ryosuke, just one more picture.”  It’s embarrassing, the loud of the shutter only making it more so but when he tries to hide his face Yuto’s grin would only wide.  “Cute,” he says as the shutter gives into another click.  “Ryosuke, you’re beautiful.”

 

The stupid things Yuto makes him do sometimes almost makes Yamada want to kill him.  One rollercoaster ride was bad enough.  Bungee jumping too?  He had clung onto Yuto so tight he’s surprised Yuto hadn’t popped from all the pressure.  But afterwards, even with tears in his eyes, Yuto looks at him like he’s been given the universe, and okay, maybe his heart melts a little, especially when Yuto brushes a thumb along a cheek and says to him, “Thank you for doing this with me.”

 

Stupid, silly love songs.  They had all been so cheesy before but he gets them all now and damned the gods, they are so, so right.  To put it in succinct, simple terms.  Yuto makes him so, so,  _ so  _ happy -- enough to feel like he might burst -- so it hardly matters to him that Chinen keeps throwing him these knowing smirks whenever they see each other.

 

Everyone probably knows.  Okay, maybe not Inoo but Yamada doesn’t expect him to know much of anything that’s going on most of the time.  So, everyone minus Inoo probably knows.  He hasn’t been able to stop smiling since it first began so how could they not?  It still feels like a secret though, all for his own keeping.  He’s not ready to share it yet.  There’s no shame or fear or anything, but being with everyone else since they’ve been kids means he’s never really had anything for his own before.  He’s not ready to share quite yet.

 

\----

 

It’s hard finding time for each other what with him being so busy most days.  They make it work through the variety shows and the photoshoots and the appearances, not to mention recording for JUMP’s new album.  Sometimes he thinks about asking for time off, a week or two, just so he can spend quality time with Yuto and rest, recoup some of his waning energy.  But then he feels the thrum of momentum building under their feet and knows he can’t.  Everyone is counting on him to carry them until they get there, until everyone gets their own chance to shine.  It’s only a matter of time and he wants to do this for each and every one of them because he loves them all so much.

 

Yuto is, understandably, less busy than Yamada.  One or two photoshoots a week in fashion magazines.  There’s a buzz underneath all the talk shows, morning and otherwise.  Nakajima Yuto, former of member of rising group Hey! Say! JUMP.  Prodigal son returns perhaps?  What has he been up to?  Where did he go?  Why did he leave?  Will he re-join the fold of Johnny’s & Associates?  Everyone wants something but Yuto smiles and declines, tells them he’s very grateful for their interest in him but he’s not interested.

 

So maybe it’s more that it’s hard for Yamada to make time for Yuto but Yuto always has time for him.  He’d gotten accustomed to Yuto being around.  Whether it’s crawling into bed together at the same time or at two, three, six in the morning he would undoubtedly fall asleep to Yuto’s breath grazing along his neck as Yuto settled in behind him, one arm thrown over his middle to pull him close.  Sometimes, when he’s lucky, he gets a few hours in the middle of the day for lunch at a cafe together or during the evening when it’s just the two of them as he scrambles around his kitchen trying to put a decent dinner together.

 

That’s why it comes as such a shock when Yuto tells him he’s going to be gone for the next two weeks as he packs his bags.

 

“It’s Paris Fashion Week,” Yuto says by way of explanation.  Like it’s the most obvious answer in the world.  Like Yamada should have seen this coming.  He didn’t.  He watches a little bit annoyed while trying to pretend he isn’t while Yuto flits around his room.  “I also have a photoshoot in London that will take a couple of days too.”

 

It all clicks then, his face twisting into confusion or something because Yuto pauses, having caught the expression, and concerned for the first time, prods.  “What’s running through that head of yours?”

 

Yamada mulls it over for a second, questions flying by as he gathers his thoughts into words, arms a protective barrier over his chest.  “I didn’t realize you were a  _ model _ model.  Like flying around the world doing runway shows mode.”

 

Yuto lets out a low laugh but stops when Yamada doesn’t join him.  A glint in his eyes, still amused, he asks, “Really?”

 

“... Yeah.”

 

“My burberry ads are everywhere!  How did you miss that?”

 

Yamada hesitates but in for a penny, in for a dime.  “Didn’t,” he says.  “Just thought it was a Japan only campaign or something.  Like idol stuff.  Endorsement deals and movies and dramas and variety shows and stuff.”

 

This time Yuto is quiet, gingerly setting another shirt into his suitcase.  He avoids Yamada’s eyes, worrying his bottom lip before he answers.  “I don’t want to be an idol.”  Said so quietly Yamada might have missed it if he hadn’t been absolutely quiet himself.  “Movies and dramas and variety shows aren’t going to be a normal thing.”

 

His brow furrows in confusion.  “So then why…?”  Pink & Gray.  The role he had wanted but lost to Yuto instead.

 

“I don’t know,” he answers honestly.  “I was bored and there was a break in my schedule.  Chinen dared me to and you know I hate losing so I went in for an audition.  It’s not like I wanted the role but I thought it might be fun to try something new.”  He hesitates before he continues, eying Yamada carefully.  “I like modeling and I like photography.  It’s what I want to do.”

 

Yamada isn’t sure whether to laugh or cry.  Or throw something at Yuto’s dumb head instead.  He settles for something in the middle while Yuto stares a little helplessly at him.  He wanted that role.  He wanted it more than anything he’d ever wanted in his career before and Yuto got it because he was bored.  And because Chinen dared him to.  He knows he’s doing it again.  He’s comparing the two of them just like before, and this road only leads to jealousy, rivalry, and a bitter ending because he comes up short.  He always fucking comes up short when compared to the great Nakajima Yuto.  So much untapped potential and talent.  Natural star quality, Yuda had said one night.  Charismatic and charming and handsome, all effortless too, which makes him shine even bright.

 

All he is is Yamada.  Just Yamada Ryosuke.  Nothing special.

 

It’s not a fight.  There’s no yelling or shouting or hurtful words said that can’t be taken back but it feels like it is what with the outcome.  Yamada closes up and locks Yuto out without a single word.  Doesn’t even really say much when he sends Yuto off at the airport.  There’s clear hurt in the taller boy’s eyes even while his lips grazes Yamada’s cheek but he can’t say anything.  He never could.  Everything Yuto makes him feel -- good and bad, everything complex in between -- he has always bottled up, locked away, and kept it a secret for only him to know.

 

Yuto tries.  Phone calls.  Texts.  He stares at all of them.  The missed calls that flash in front of his screen too, the unanswered texts.  He feels like a jerk but he doesn’t know what to say.

 

Tiny little fissures are starting to form and if he’s not careful he’ll start crumbling soon.

 

\----

 

It’s Chinen of all people who set him straight with a frown on his face and a question: What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

 

What the hell  _ is _ he doing?  He’s not even sure anymore.  He looks at Yuto’s last text -- Wish you were here -- received ten minutes ago and makes up his mind.  He’s never done anything like this before, nothing this crazy.  Ever.  He calls his manager, tells him to clear his schedule for the next two weeks, replace him with Inoo if they have to, and buys a ticket for the next flight out to Paris.

 

Idiot that he is gets lost, flustered and scared in an unknown city but Chinen sends him the address not even two minutes later.  He manages to sneak in through a back door and then walks the rest of the way like he belongs there.

 

The smile on Yuto’s face when he sees Yamada makes all the trouble worth it.  And the kiss.  There’s that too.

 

\----

 

Yuto’s friends drag them out to a party after the show though Yuto doesn’t put up much of a fight.  Other models around their age, some a little older, all tall and long-legged and beautiful with sharp, distinctive features.  A korean pop-star too.  Enigmatic and charismatic with high cheekbones and pretty eyes.  Soft and fierce and beautiful.  G-Dragon, he hears, but Yuto introduces him as Kwon Jiyong.  They all dote on Yuto, it seems, can’t keep their hands from petting him, touching him, running their fingers through his hair or down the full length of his arm before the link their fingers together.

 

Yamada tries not to let it bother him.  It’s probably just a western thing.

 

Still, he can’t help but feel like he’s intruding when Kwon Jiyong and Yuto are wrapped up in each other, both leaning in as they speak, fondness in both their eyes, a familiarity there that he hasn’t quite figured out just yet.  Something gnaws at his stomach while he watches them, sees the blush that dusts Yuto’s cheeks pink and figures this korean pop-star is probably teasing Yuto even if he can’t quite do more than catch snippets of random English and a Japanese word or two tossed in when Yuto can’t quite find the English equivalent.

 

And then someone calls for the pop-star by name and it breaks whatever spell they’re under.  Kwon Jiyong apologizes as he’s dragged out to the dance floor by another pretty woman, shouting behind him that they’ll catch up when he’s in Japan again.

 

Yuto’s attention diverts back to him and it should put him at ease.  It does.  No, really, it does.  So why can’t he offer anything more than a weak smile when Yuto gives him one that is strong and proud and confident?

 

\----

 

London is all kinds of amazing and there, he has Yuto all to himself, save the two day photoshoot but he’d happily give up those two days again if it means he gets to watch Yuto in a wet white button down shirt, hair dripping with drops of water as he pins the camera with his eyes.

 

“You own this apartment?” he asks a little hysterically as he looks down at the River Thames, the sun setting the sky a glow of rosy pinks and bruised purples.

 

“Yep,” Yuto says in answer before he drops down to his knees in front of Yamada, unzipping his pants and taking him out.  A teasing kiss at the head and Yamada perks up in anticipation.  He gives a long hiss and then a breathy, contented sigh when Yuto’s throat opens around him.  No rush.  No frenzy.  Just nice and slow.  His head falls back, arms braced on the ledge of the balcony, and laughs a little when stars start exploding to life in front of his eyes, sun mostly having crossed the horizon.

 

\----

 

One night he stupidly gets Yuto to tell him all the people he’s been with, serious and not.  Yuto hesitates at first, doesn’t really want to talk about it, but Yamada pushes and Yuto gives in.

 

There was Rebecca at the tail end of high school.  She was the first.  Cute and small with blond hair and large blue eyes.  She reminded him a little of Yamada.

 

And then there was Tony.  He’d been older.  Broad shouldered and well defined muscles but what Yuto had loved about him were his eyes.  Green and piercing that made shivers run up and down his spine.  That had been a whirlwind of a romance if there were any.

 

Angela had followed, a long-haired brunette model, then Luca the first time he’d been abroad for work.  Sun kissed skin that begged for the beach but they hardly did anything but stayed in bed.

 

A low hum and then Yuto falls back onto Yamada’s bed, eyes trained on the ceiling.  “And then Jiyong.  That’s all of them.”

 

His ears perk up at the name because it sounds familiar.  “Jiyong?”

 

Quiet, like he’s somewhere else, Yuto says, “Yeah.  You met him in Paris.”

 

Oh.  It all makes sense now.  He remembers how they had leaned into each other, how familiar they were.  He remembers how comfortable they had been touching and being in each other’s space.

 

Yuto is quick to reassure him it hadn’t been anything more than a fling.  Less than that.  Just a bit of fun on the side.  He says more but Yamada doesn’t catch most of it.  All he hears is Yuto telling him how it’s funny that Jiyong is kind of one of his closest friends now, especially since he hadn’t expected to see Jiyong again after Paris 2013.

 

He trusts Yuto.

 

Logically he knows it’s nothing.  Less than nothing even.

 

\----

 

The downward spiral starts small, so insignificant he doesn’t even realize it.  He finds out Yuto has an Instagram account.

 

“What’s Instagram?” he asks.  “Like Twitter?”

 

Half crescent eyes meet his as Yuto’s mouth splits into a grin but he doesn’t look surprised.  Instead he hops onto the bed next to Yamada so that they’re both on their stomach, bumping his shoulder as he does so.  “Kind of, yeah,” he says, and then takes out his phone and proceeds to show him.

 

Yuto’s instagram is filled with pictures of himself.  And beautiful women.  Handsome men.  Friends and castmates and family members.  There’s even a few of Suda too from back when they were on set together.  Not for the first time he marvels at how good they look together, both tall and lean, clean sharp lines and charismatic eyes that draw you in.

 

Yuto spends most of his time in Japan now.  Yamada knows it’s for him, feels it distinctly as he’s scrolling through a hundred other photos Yuto has posted.  Beaches and mountains and festivals and food and rivieras from all over the world.  Sometimes he wonders if Yuto wants all of that back.  He still travels some.  Not as much as he did previously, but he still goes back to London or France or Italy or somewhere else  _ not _ Japan for work.

 

Most of the time it’s for work so his phone will notify him when Yuto takes pictures with pretty women, fair-skinned with long blond hair kissing his cheek.  Or gorgeous men with their arm slung casually over Yuto’s shoulders, a hand fingers deep in Yuto’s hair.  Short clips filled with Yuto’s high pitched laughter as models he’s working with strike silly poses.  Yuto keeps him updated though, makes sure to call once Yamada’s rolled up in blankets, the scent of Yuto still clinging onto the sheets as Yuto’s voice lulls him to sleep.  Once or twice he receives texts.   _ Thinking of you.  Miss you.  Wish you were here.  I love you, you know that? _

 

A handful of times Yuto leaves him behind to visit his friends.  Yamada learns pretty quickly that actually means he’s hopping on a plane to Korea to visit Jiyong and his band.  He also pretty quickly learns all of their names because they show up on Yuto’s Instagram quite frequently.  There’s Too Cool and Too Handsome TOP and Always Able to Make You Laugh Daesung and Ready For a Good Time Seungri and Dominant Alpha Male Taeyang and of course, Charismatic Leader G-Dragon.  Kwon Jiyong.

 

Yuto goes with them to Singapore and China and Indonesia or another stop in their world tour for a day or two, sometimes more, and he watches videos of Yuto watching them perform, hyped up and excited and singing along to the club bangers Big Bang likes to do.  There are pictures too.  All of them together.  Different combinations over dinner.  Yuto is always smiling, happy and carefree in a way he didn’t think Yuto could be with anyone else but him.

 

When he looks at himself in the mirror he sees the fissures turning into cracks.

 

\----

 

He tries to hide it but it only gets worse.

 

With all these beautiful, amazing, brilliant people hanging around him, he wonders when Yuto will finally open his eyes and see that Yamada isn’t special at all, that he’s quite plain in comparison, and then he wonders how long it will take before Yuto leaves him again.

 

Sometimes, when he thinks about it too long, he can’t breathe.

 

\----

 

Because Yuto is more intuitive than people think Yuto knows something is wrong with him.  He doesn’t say anything about it, not really, but Yamada has a sneaking suspicion that Yuto already knows what it is as well.

 

He pretends not to care about how much time Yuto spends with other people -- Kiko, Seungri, GD, Yamazaki Kento -- but it’s not working.  He knows it’s not when Yuto hooks a chin over his shoulder, an arm wrapped around his waist, and says to Yamada, “It’s only ever been you.  You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met.”

 

Sometimes he half believes it.

 

Most times he wants to.

 

\----

 

It’s not a fight.  Not really.  They don’t fight.  He’s at his rope’s end and so is Yuto. 

 

The words spill out like vomit.  “You’re surrounded by all these amazing, extraordinary people all the time.  Models and actors and artists and even more models than I can ever count while you’re galavanting all over the world and I guess it just makes me wonder what the hell you’re doing with me when you can have any of them.”

 

Yuto sighs.  They’ve had this conversation before, numerous times and Yamada knows he’s getting tired of it.  Tired, Yuto asks him, “You know I love you?”

 

He can’t meet Yuto’s eyes.  Stilted, he answers a hesitant yes.

 

Firmer this time, Yuto asks, “Do you know  _ why _ I love you?”

 

He shakes his head slowly.  “No.”

 

Yuto smiles, sad and resigned even before Yamada finishes like he’d been expecting that exact answer.  He reaches across Yamada’s kitchen table and takes a hand into his.  “I don’t care about more beautiful or more successful or even who you think I deserve to be with because all of that all amounts to nothing. Here’s what matters to me: I am who I am only because you are who you are.  Without you there  _ is _ no me, not the one that’s standing in front of you right now.  I love you because there will never be another you in my life again, no matter where I look.  You just… you’ve never understood that you’re it for me, Ryosuke.”

 

And then he draws his hand back, Yamada watching as he does it slowly, stomach clenching in anticipation, in heartbreak.  This is it.  It’s coming.

 

“I love you, Ryosuke,” he hears through the blood rushing in his ears.  “But I can’t do it anymore.  It’s not- I don’t think-” Yuto stops abruptly to take a deep, calming breath as he runs a shaking hand through his hair before he speaks again.  “It’s not supposed to be like this.”

 

There it is.  He’d known this day was coming.  He had lied to himself, repeated over and over that he’d be okay.  Yuto was bound to leave again some day.  Still doesn’t stop the tears from welling over.

 

\----

 

The first three days are a repeat of wake up, shower, break down crying in the shower for hours, get out, crawl into bed again.  The blinds remain closed as he spends his time either sleeping or wishing he was sleeping so he could forget that Yuto has gone and left again, that he’s all alone.

 

He’s been in love with other people before and they’ve broken up with him or he’s broken up with them but it never hurt like this, didn’t know it could hurt this much or that he would feel so empty, like a void was eating away at all the good in his life, telling him he’ll never be happy again.

 

The first day his phone rings constantly, buzzing and beeping with notifications and messages and voicemails, probably his manager wondering where the hell he was and why he wasn’t at work.  He glances at it and tosses it aside.  It doesn’t matter anymore.  Nothing matters anymore because the one thing that did didn’t want him.  By the end of the third day, he doesn’t even look at it, thinks it’s probably dead as it’s no longer beeping or buzzing.

 

Early on the fourth day, the sudden burst of sunshine streaming through his window wakes him up, the sight of Chinen standing by his blinds greeting him.  He doesn’t groan, doesn’t make a sound or say anything, just turns around and throws the sheets over his head.

 

“Ryosuke, come on.  It’s been three days and everyone’s worried sick about you.”

 

Nothing penetrates.  He doesn’t really care.  No one understands.

 

Chinen climbs onto his bed, the slight thud signaling his back hitting the headboard.  Probably trying to find a comfortable position to wait Yamada out.  Confirmation when he says, “I’m not going to pretend I know what happened.  If you want to talk about it, I’m here.”

 

If he stays hidden long enough, maybe Chinen will leave him to wallow on his own again.  Except Chinen doesn’t.  He sits quietly and waits, the sound of pages turning and Chinen breathing the only noise in the room for hours slowly starts to get to him.

 

Finally, he throws the sheets off but still says nothing.  Chinen waits and he stares at the ceiling.

 

The first time he speaks in three days - Yuto left me - his voice cracks from the lack of use, making him sound worn down and pathetic (broken?).  Saying it out loud makes it so final.  He’s crumbling in on himself again, can’t remember a time when he wasn’t pathetic, devastation tugging at his heart strings, constantly reminding him of Yuto, making him wonder if Yuto misses him with as much all-consuming sadness too.

 

‘He said he didn’t think I was in the right place for us to be together.”

 

\----

 

It’s another week of hiding and feeling completely lost and hopeless before he can crawl out of his bed and feel something resembling normal.

 

It takes a message passed through his manager from Johnny-san for him to find any motivation to start working again because this, being an idol and being a Johnny, that’s all he knows and that’s all he has now.

 

When he walks into work everyone greets him with loud cheers and hugs and welcome backs and he tries, he really does, to feel anything other than the numbness of the past week of his life.  There’s a hint of concern in everyone’s eyes letting him know they all know what happened at this point, how could they not?  He tries his best to reassure them by laughing and joking with them and pretending he’s okay.

 

From the looks on their faces he can tell it’s not working but what else can he do?  He’s barely holding himself together.

 

\----

 

“Look Yamada,” Daiki says as he settles down next to Yamada, serious in a way Yamada has never heard or seen before.  “This is hard for me to say, and it’s going to be even harder for you to hear but as your friend, I think it needs to be done.”  He bumps Yamada’s shoulder, a friendly gesture meant to reassure him he’s sure.  “Yuto did the right thing.”

 

And that… wow.  He begins to laugh, cold and desperate and hollow, because if he doesn’t he might just start crying.  Again.  He’s so tired of it.  Daiki throws him a concerned look, his brows furrowing together in worry but he cautiously continues once Yamada’s laughter dwindled back down to nothing.

 

Softer, gentle almost, Daiki starts.  “Listen, you shouldn’t be with him if you don’t know your own worth.  You think you’re not equals and you obsess over him leaving you when he finds someone ‘better.’  It was never going to work if you kept thinking that way.

 

“Yuto found a side of himself apart from you when he moved to England.  He moved on from JUMP  _ and _ you and that allowed him to start believing in himself again but I don’t think you ever found the you  _ not _ defined by Yuto and you’re never going to be able to learn how to believe in yourself if he’s by your side.  You’re the star of JUMP and we all believe in you, Yuto especially.  That guy thinks the sun rises and sets with you, Yamada, but he knows he can’t be your anchor.  You have to be your own anchor, you know?”

 

He can’t help it.  After weeks of feeling numb and empty and lost and nothing else, going through the motions of life and work without actually living, he breaks down into embarrassing, ugly sobs.  Daiki’s right.  He knows.  He hears echoes of the last words Yuto said to him in Daiki’s words but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.  Daiki gently wounds an arm around his shoulders and gives him a squeeze as he rides it out with him.

 

“Hey,” Daiki begins after the sobs have ceased.  “You and I both know at the end of this Yuto will to be waiting for you.  That guy knows he’s always been completely useless without you.”

 

A laugh bubbles out of his chest and it feels good, so good, to feel like there’s hope, that everything is going to be okay and he’ll be happy again someday.   
  
“See?”  Daiki rubs his head, messing up his hair.  “Things are looking up already.”

 

And yeah, they are.  Just a little, but they are.

 

\----

 

Slowly but surely, one day at a time, it gets better.

 

_ He _ gets better.

 

Some days are still tough, like when he passes by an advertisement with Yuto in it on his way home.  

 

Sometimes he looks for only a few seconds and he can pretend he doesn’t hurt as much as he did before.

 

Other times it feels like he stands there forever just trying to commit the smooth lines of Yuto’s body to memory, trying to save as much as he can because he doesn’t want to forget, and when he tumbles into bed later that night, it feels too big and too empty, and he’s left wondering just when it was all supposed to stop because everyone keeps promising him it’ll get better.

 

Sometimes he wonders if Yuto has forgotten him already.

 

It’s an ache he’s sure will never go away.

 

\----

 

He spends a year wondering what went wrong over and over and over again until it feels like he’s gone crazy.

 

He spends a year figuring out who he wants to be so he does what he wants, when he wants, how he wants, no matter how selfish it may be because he realizes that somewhere along the way he’d lost himself, that he had started to build who he is and his whole life around another person.

 

He spends a year learning how to be strong for himself, independent and self-sustaining and generating his own happiness because it’s not fair for anyone else to be burdened with being someone’s sole emotional and mental foundation.

 

He spends a year finding the confidence he’s only ever faked before.  He wakes up and makes a list, repeats it to himself throughout the day when he feels he’s starting to sway under all the expectations.  The list consists of things he’s good at, things only he can contribute to JUMP. He makes a list of all the reasons why he’s a good person, why anyone would be lucky to have him.

 

He spends a year looking into a mirror and telling himself he’s amazing.  Beautiful even.  He feels stupid but he spends the better part of that year trying to believe it.  Sometimes he thinks he starts to.

 

\----

 

It’s a short walk from the train station to his place.  He tells Suda he can go it alone but Suda insists on walking him to the front of his building at least.  He’s never done that before.  It dawns on him mid-step halfway to home.

 

He slows to a stop, mind racing a mile a minute as Suda slows down a step behind him.

 

“Was this a date?” he finally manages to ask.

 

Suda doesn’t shy away.  He gives Yamada a half smile and a slight shrug.  “I was hoping it would be.”

 

“Oh.”

 

The first flutters of butterflies sets off in his stomach.

 

\----

 

It’s calmer with Suda.  Not the whirlwind romance it was with Yuto but that’s not really fair to Suda.  Yuto is well, he’s fucking Yuto and Yamada has kind of given in to the fact that Yuto is always going to be part of him.  Yuto is always going to be a part of who he is.

 

So maybe he didn’t jump in head first, throwing all caution to the wind but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care.  He does.  He has grown to care about Suda quite a lot.  It’s unfair to keep comparing everything to Yuto and their relationship together like it’s some gold standard he should try to reach again.  He catches himself sometimes, thinking about it in his head but the best approach is just to go at it one day at a time.

 

It might not be exhilarating like it had been with Yuto but there are things Suda offers him that Yuto never did.  Not that he never could.  He just never did.  Like when they’re in bed and Suda speaks in that low drawl of his.  It’s like the warmth of a campfire.  It’s safe and comfortable and familiar, and that offers a sense of stability that Yamada never really knew he needed before.

 

Even the mundane things -- cooking and cleaning, folding laundry together -- it all feels so nice, like he can depend on Suda to be there even when there’s nothing particularly exciting going on.

 

That actually… it kind of… well… That kind of makes him love Suda even more, even if he can’t actually say the words out loud.

 

\----

 

Of all the places to see Yuto again, Yamada bumps into him during rush hour while he’s trying to cross the street.  Yuto comes in from one direction, Yamada from another, and they collide somewhere in the middle.  Yuto steadies him with a hand on his arm before they both resister who the other is.

 

Yuto lights up, a quick smile on his face, familiar crinkles cropping up at the corners of his eyes and it warms something inside of Yamada.  “Hey,” he says.

 

Yamada’s stomach flips.  Black thick-rimmed glasses makes Yuto unbelievably gorgeous.  “Hey,” he replies back after a beat too long, more cautious that Yuto’s own open one.  “How have you been?”

 

“Good,” Yuto says.  Cheerful.  Truthful.  More cautiously, he asks how Yamada is doing too.

 

“I’m doing good,” he says, and thinks he catches a moment of surprise in Yuto’s eyes.  It’s gone before he can be sure, but all the same, Yuto looks genuinely happy to see Yamada doing well.

 

“I’m glad to hear that.”

 

An awkward pause forms between the two of them while they walk, to where he’s not even sure anymore.  He itches to fill it in, so he says, “Are you just visiting?”

 

Yuto shrugs.  “Not sure yet.  My mom wants me to move back.  She says I’m being an undutiful son by living so far away and she wants me here.  I’m… I’m thinking about it.”

 

“Well,” he begins with, a hint of a smile forming, “You should do what makes you happy.”

 

“You think so?” Yamada catches Yuto tilt his head quizzically out of the corner of his eyes.

 

He’s determined to keep his focus straight.  “Yeah,” he says and is proud when it doesn’t come out strained.  Yuto does this to him.  He makes Yamada question everything.

 

Another beautiful smile that splits Yuto’s face.  “Thanks,” he says, and bumps Yamada’s shoulder.  His heart flutters and he realizes that moment that he’s missed this.  He misses Yuto too.  He’s been missing Yuto since he’d been fourteen.  Not Yuto his boyfriend but Yuto his friend.  His _best_ _friend_ Yuto.

 

He opens his mouth before he can stop himself.  “We should catch up while you’re here.  Dinner or something.

 

“I’d love that,” Yuto says, touched.  “Are you busy right now?”

 

He stops abruptly, eyes widening in shock.  “I forgot!  Shit! Oh fuck!” and then he jump starts again all in a matter of seconds.  He twists, grabs hold of a shocked Yuto’s arms.  “I’m so sorry.  I have plans that I’m now really, really, really late for.  But let’s definitely catch up.  Call me or text me or something,” and then he’s bounding away at top speed.

 

Before he gets too far though, Yuto shouts his name after him, tells him to wait.  There’s a question in his eyes as Yamada turns around, and when their eyes lock he asks, “Are you… are you seeing someone?”

 

Yamada’s breath catches at the question.  Yuto shortens the space between the two of them.  “I…”  A deep breath through his nose, and then Suda’s face comes to mind.  “Yeah,” he says softly, knows he probably looks like a lovesick fool.  “I am.”

 

Another smile from Yuto, this one just as genuine as the ones before.  “I’m really happy for you.”

 

“What about you?” he finds himself asking.  “Are you seeing someone?”

 

Yuto’s smile turns fond.  “Kind of, yeah,” he says.

 

There’s a drop of disappointment, that he can’t lie about, but it doesn’t hurt as much as he thought it would.  In fact, it doesn’t hurt at all.  “That’s great,” he offers, means it.  “I have to go,” he says next, feels bad for leaving like this.

 

Joyous and infectious, Yuto’s laugh penetrates him, has him smiling like an idiot too.  “Go,” Yuto urges.  “Don’t keep them waiting.”

 

“Thanks,” he says, grateful.  “Let’s definitely catch up again.”

 

Yuto nods and waves him off.

 

\----

 

Suda is standing outside of the restaurant waiting for him, slightly hunched forward with a lit cigarette between the fingers of one hand.  He watches for a moment, wants a minute to take in the sight of his boyfriend, but too soon Suda senses him and looks up.  He grins, drops his smoke, and stubs it out with his toe.

 

“Sorry I’m late,” he says.

 

Suda shrugs him off.  “It happens.”

 

When they’re walking back to his place, side by side, shoulders brushing, fingers grazing once in awhile, he says to Suda for the first time, “I really love you.”

 

“I know.”  Suda links their pinkies together.  “Thanks.”

 

\----

 

Sometimes I can't be with you doesn't mean I can't be with you ever.  Sometimes I can't be with you just means I can't be with you  _ right now. _

 

\----

 

He’s standing in the middle of a busy Tokyo sidewalk staring up at a ten-story tall advertisement of Yuto.  Dead center and gorgeous with glasses framed boy eyes looking through long, long lashes.  He stands there, enraptured, can’t look away, and thinks fondly, “That bastard.”

 

Suda, in an oversized light brown sweater, hair once again shockingly bright pink, gelled and combed back to reveal devastating cheekbones and charismatic eyes.  With hands still in his pockets, he bumps Yamada’s shoulder.  “I forgot how handsome Yuto was.”  There’s a hint of affection that Yamada picks up.  He’s not surprised.  People who’ve worked with Yuto can’t help but love him too.  Suda is no exception.

 

He rolls his eyes while resisting the urge to smile like an idiot.  “That bastard always looks handsome.”  Suda picks up the fondness in his voice though, and only lets out a low chuckle in reply, barely audible in the bustle of the city but he hears it all the same.  His cheeks flame but he pretends not to know.  He’s been embarrassed enough, thank you very much.

 

They share a moment of silence, both looking on at Yuto.  Yamada because he can’t not, Suda because it’s something to do.  Everything melts away around him until he feels a hand slip into his own, giving it a quick squeeze.  He turns his head and is greeted with the brush of lips against his cheek.

 

“Hey,” he says by way of greeting.

 

“Hey,” Yuto says in return.  Then he looks past Yamada and greets Suda to.  “You’re coming to dinner with us?” he asks.  They both answer him at the same time.

 

“Tagged along.” - Suda

 

“Jiyong said it was okay.” - Yamada

 

“Haven’t seen you in a while and Ryosuke said you definitely wouldn’t mind.”

 

Yuto reassures him immediately, says, “I definitely do not mind.  Sorry for being late though.”

 

Suda answers Yuto with a shrug of his shoulder.  “Your boyfriend is good enough company even if he couldn’t stop staring at you.”

 

Yuto’s eyes narrow in confusion while Yamada’s face start to heat in embarrassment, blood rushing to fill his cheeks.  Suda nods at Yuto’s ad and Yuto cracks up in laughter when he sees it.

 

“I didn’t realize they were putting those up already.”

 

Suda’s eyes turn a touch devious with the slight tilt to his head.  “Your boyfriend did.”

 

He rolls his eyes at the both of them.  Half the time they’re kids, really.  Kids who love to tease him half to death.

 

“Come on,” he urges, tugging Yuto towards the restaurant before they can really get started, Suda following not too far behind.  “Everyone’s waiting.  You know how impatient Top gets when you’re late.  If we don’t get there soon he’s going to be drunk already.”

 

Yuto laughs but he knows it’s the truth.

 

Sure enough, when they arrive Top is already rowdy, chastising Seungri and then apologizing moments later.  Seungri looks at both of them when they walk in, begs with pleading eyes for them to rescue him but is resigned to the fact that they probably won’t.  He almost wants to, thinks one of these times he should, but Yuto tugs him towards Jiyong instead.  Jiyong is more than halfway gone himself, eyes glazed, body half over the table, but greets them with shouts of excited laughter when he sees them both, motions for them to sit across from him with a boyish grin on his face.

 

The rest of the night is nice, easy.  Fun.  They were Yuto’s friends first but he’d like to think they’re his friends now too, Jiyong especially.  Some time during the night, while he’s laughing at one of Seungri’s it’s so stupid it’s funny jokes, Suda laughing right along with him, head hanging in shame, Yuto reaches out and squeezes his hand, silently saying,  _ hey, I’m here. _  Seungri rolls right into another stupid joke while Yamada squeezes back, says in return  _ I know. _

 

\----

**Author's Note:**

> It feels like it's been forever since I've posted a YutoYama fic though I'm pretty sure it's only been about two months LOL... In truth this entire fic has been about a year in the making, and was actually the first yutoyama fic I started writing and yet somehow it's the one that took the longest. I've rage quit this story more times than I can remember, and I've reworked the entire story so much as well. I'm just glad it's finally, FINALLY done.
> 
> I know there are some vague parts in the fic, and it's intentional because I wanted this story to be very muted and very understated, and I wanted the readers to work out things for themselves ^_^ If you want confirmation, or just have questions, feel free to ask ^_^.
> 
> Anyhow, I hope you enjoyed reading it ^_^.
> 
> As always, comments and kudos are very much appreciated ^_^


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